Life is full of ups and downs, of challenges and break throughs, it is the nature of being human.
It’s been a challenging year for many of us and yet fruitful in many ways too. Letting go is not easy, and it sometimes feels as if it may never end, but then there are moments, when we realise how much has changed and that we are no longer the person we were back then.
I am indebted to Em and for the changes that her death has brought. I said days after her passing, that I would try to live better because of it. A friend told me that everyone says this when death enters their life. But I was serious.
We may say we will live a better life, but if we’re still showing up with the same trauma and related behaviour and mental patterning, if we’re still carrying around the weight of our past, if we haven’t grieved our losses, if we are still carrying chips on our shoulders and a lack of love for ourselves, still self-criticising and giving ourselves a hard time, still up against our habits and addictions, then how can we truly live a better life?
It was this awareness that caused me to dig deeper this year. I did want to live better as a result of Em’s passing; I owed her that - I owed myself that too.
Feeling her essence helped enormously but it had to be more than that.
It had to be deeper; of shining a brighter light into the shadows and digesting all the emotions still unprocessed, and of allowing that energy to be put to better use. Of healing the fundamental woundings, of responding differently when triggered, of purging old habits, emotional baggage and negative mindsets, making clean slate room for beginning again.
Many of you know this. I am not alone. We are all the same, all dealing with our stuff in our own ways, all up against what has yet to be healed, and with the challenges of life as it unfolds in each moment.
For a while it felt this process would never end. But of course it takes time. Change doesn’t happen over night. Life has to be turned on its head, a letting go has to take place, and a trusting that something else will fill that space. It is a leap of faith. Yet without any idea what that might look like in the end.
Only now am I gaining some clarity. Only now am I making sense of why certain things have been happening.
There is space in my life that I have not experienced for a long time now. Maybe since before having children. A certain freedom. A mind less burdened by the past. A deeper kindness and love for myself.
My sense of self is catching up.
There are many roles I play, but I am not those roles.
Like you, I am just essence.
I have tried to hold steady to this when triggered, when the universe throws in yet another situation to see how much I can stay true to this truth. Not always. The practice has helped. And yet even that is hard at times. As it asks me not to cling or make certain.
When life is changing we often want to hold onto something, feel in control, even if that is a spiritual community or a particular approach to practice that tells us how to be. We want something to be right, something to be wrong, black and white thinking. Yoga asks us to let go of this.
There is nothing to hold onto but truth itself.
And what we seek is deep within us, not in the outer world. The outer world merely reflects back our inner world.
There was a moment this morning, with the rising sun breaking through the clouds, Sainst beach to myself, where I felt so joyfully grateful for being alive and yet there was a moment of reflection - can it really be almost 11 months since Em passed.
Later walking up Saints Hill, the same hill I have walked up virtually every day I have been on the island since 8th December last year, in all states of being, distraught in tears, numb, deep in grief, and other times excited at the foraging for blackberries, elderberries and sea beet, and the delighted at the sound of the bird song and the robin and dragonfly visitations, I was struck by the paradox that is life.
Life requires us to hold opposing truths at the very same time. It is the ultimate contradiction; we can feel completely weighed down by sorrow while simultaneously stumbling into moments of pure, breathtaking delight.
Further, all the loss, all the tears, all the heaviness gives rise to a genuine gratitude for all that remains. Loss has helped me to strengthen my boundaries and shift my perspective on value and gain, to recognise increasing beauty in the small things.
And in the messiness of the healing old wounds, I finally surrendered to a deeper vulnerability and with that, experienced a greater love as my heart healed and I trusted - I am blown away by our heart’s capacity for love. It wasn’t easy to let
I am conscious that the very things that bring the most delight, can also carry an emotional weight and responsibility at times, like our family or our livelihood. Yet we can hold this, without being weighed down one way or the other.
Further, to experience the highs of life, we must be vulnerable enough to endure the lows. We cannot numb the heavy parts without also numbing the delightful parts; best not to numb at all.
Em’s passing has gifted me a new aliveness - a different perspective on life. Maybe that would have happened with age anyway, and yet maybe not, for we all age differently and some merely contract, close down, won’t allow a change.
I am excited for the future not yet lived and joyful at this moment as it unfolds into the next, even though there will still be moments of sorrow and heaviness. This is life. The trouble comes when we hold to one side.
I am beyond grateful to the practices, which shape my life, to my family, to my students and clients, my friends, Em’s family, the home education tribe and this beautiful planet we live on.
Life is a gift, there is much for each of us to celebrate. The breath alone is mind blowing and I am discovering new depths even in this. Never have I delighted as I do now in simply witnessing my breath, of watching others breath, of knowing that this is all that connects us between heaven and earth, our spine the bridge.
I saw a gold crest today. Now that was special.
We have a new moon approaching. Maybe this is reminding us all to celebrate our aliveness and recognise our worth. To remember that every new cycle begins in the dark, and that all we ever truly have to do is take the next breath. Right here. Alive.
Love Emma x
