Enjoying this lockdown
I don’t know if it just me, but I am really enjoying lockdown this time around, and I make no apologies for it. Last time it was awful because of my reaction to it; rather than flowing with it, I fought against it, and struggled to let go into it, holding on tightly to my old way of being, resistant to the possibility of a more positive and less limited way of being, of a new world that lockdown may have been ushering in. In the process I made myself extremely stressed to the extent that my dad was concerned I was heading for breakdown.
While it was a messy and uncomfortable period of my life (and no doubt for many others too), turning life on its head, and throwing me/us into the unknown, it was also a very rich time for growth, because it encouraged me to look more honestly at my life and my unhelpful patterns, and this process revealed some fundamental mis-identifications regarding self-worth, security and loss of safety, which, until that point, I had been able to overlook and ignore.
I hadn’t realised, for example, how much my self-worth and feelings of security were tied up in factors external to me; in my yoga classes and my earning potential, to say nothing of feedback from others whether that be ‘likes’ on Facebook or otherwise. Lockdown came in and I felt a huge loss as everything I had built up around me to give me a sense of purpose and a sense of safety and security, were taken away. I completely and utterly lost my grounding, as if the rug had been pulled from under my feet.
Lockdown also highlighted my inherent stress and as I looked more honestly at this, and what underpinned it, I began to realise how much we create our own stress, through the thoughts we think and our interpretation of the world we live in and our relationship to this. In many respects, stress can become a coping mechanism, healthy if used in small doses but unhelpful and harmful if it continues for too long.
There was absolutely nothing helpful about my stress levels during that first lockdown; every time I attempted an online class my stress levels increased simply because the internet connection was so temperamental that I couldn’t be certain I could teach the class all the way to the end. On the occasions when the internet dropped out, I would be beside myself with the frustration of it, feeling as if I was letting everyone down, despite it being beyond my control.
I also noticed my tendency towards taking too much responsibility for the wellbeing of the world, as if it was my job, and my job alone, to save everyone from the suffering that lockdown brought with it. This ironic because in the process I was creating so much of my own suffering! I was also struggling to focus on my children, because until that point, I placed greater focus on everyone else, almost feeling that they were more in need of my time and energy than my own family.
In my attempts to save the world (!)I attempted to teach multiple classes, many for free, on a combination of Zoom and Facebook Live, and exhausting myself in the process. It wasn’t just that though, if the internet didn’t challenge me, then the dwindling numbers did instead. I wasn’t used to that, and I felt unsupported, feeding my unresolved feelings around rejection and criticism, as if people were rejecting me – I needed to feel needed because of my inherent insecurity that I had tried to pretend was no longer a part of me.
I took it all very personally, forgetting that everyone was trying to find their way in a world that didn’t feel quite right. Many were weary of being on the internet after a busy day juggling work and home learning, other’s couldn’t work out how to use Zoom, many didn’t like practicing from home and there were some who just didn’t feel they needed their yoga practice, because the great outdoors (and wine!) were offering support instead. It wasn’t personal, but this just merely shows how I was well and truly triggered by lockdown!
Life has changed significantly since then. It was a wake-up call for so many of us and I realised after lockdown that I now needed to do the deeper work, to look more honestly at my fears and unhelpful core beliefs around security and rejection especially, and the way in which these continued to inform my present moment experience, despite them being based on past experience and therefore completely unhelpful to my current reality.
I took ownership of my inherent insecurity, fear of rejection and perceived loss of safety and enquired into them. I attempted to break down my escape routes and establish myself more firmly within my ‘self’, not on factors outside of myself. This meant stepping back and essentially putting myself through the mill, finding another way. I also started looking more honestly at my perspective and my tendency towards the negative.
Dropping deeper into my practice really helped, especially embracing more of the Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga which helps to highlight our unhelpful patterns of movement and thinking and the many ways we harm ourselves and create our own suffering. Studying the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with my philosophy teacher, Helen, made a huge difference too. In the Sutras, Patanjali defines yoga and the activities and obstacles of the mind and gives us the tools to help us navigate the difficulties of life and explains how we might cultivate positive thinking.
The second of the Yoga Sutras, ‘Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodha’ can be translated as ‘Yoga is the containment of the mind’. ‘Vrtti’ can be translated as thought waves or modifications of the mind, but when the Sanskrit root is used in asana names (such as Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana) it means revolve or turn around. I’ve no doubt that each of us has experienced how the vrttis – the five activities of the mind which can be positive or negative and include correct perception, wrong understanding/mistaken knowledge, imagination, sleep and memory – spin around inside the mind, especially when we try to sit in meditation.
The idea is that we don’t banish thoughts or repress memories/emotions, but that we free ourselves from the turmoil that they (the vrttis) cause by training the mind towards greater discernment and detachment through the eight limbs – yama (external constraints, relationship to world around us), niyama (relationship to self), asana (mastery of body, postures), pranayama (extension of energy), pratyahara (withdrawal of senses), dharana (focus on one thing), dhyana (deeper, more consistent and sustained) and samadhi (self- realisation).
As for cultivating a positive perspective, we have to ask ourselves, whether we can do this regardless of the circumstances? Establishing a positive or calmer state of mind can be challenging for all of us, especially if we feel our families, our health and/or livelihoods are being threatened. It requires us being able to step back from the emotional situation to try to see things more clearly. In yoga then, we attempt to calm our thought waves (relentless as they can be) that create the various fluctuations (monkey mind) using the many techniques available to us.
Some of you already know from previous blog posts, but it was coming across sutra 2.33, “Vitarka-badhane pratipaksha-bhavanam”, which really made a difference to me. This means when disturbed by negative thoughts, cultivate the opposite mental attitude - easier said than done, but still entirely possible with awareness. Thus when we find ourselves spinning around with some old negative pattern (feelings of anger, loss of self-worth, resentment, disappointment, fear of loss of safety, anxiety over an imagined event, reacting from a memory) then we try and think something more positive and peaceful instead.
Essentially we are asked to flip our perspective, see the other side of the coin. I’ve found this helpful, in catching myself and noticing my negative programming and trying to change it into something more positive. I’ve also found it helpful in noticing my prejudice and judgments, as I am reminded that there is always another side to every story and we would do well to remember this, to stand back, practice detachment and discernment and consider the other side before we jump to conclusions (it’s the same idea of walking in someone else’s shoes before judging them)
The more I have worked with this idea of cultivating a positive perspective, the more I have recognised the manner in which we create our own suffering through our negative thinking and our misidentification with things having to be negative in the first place. There are two sides to every thing and every perceived curse brings with it a blessing even if we cannot see it at the time. More often than not, it is our reaction to life and our interpretation of it as it unfolds that creates our loss of mental wellness, rather than the experience itself – our reaction often comes from a place of fear and our interpretation will be clouded by our conditioning.
Thus when lockdown arrived rather suddenly here in Guernsey two weeks ago now, whilst it took me a week to find my grounding and adjust, I was soon able to flow with it in a way that I hadn’t been able to do previously. I tried to see the positive and embrace it. I noticed my old tendency around fear of loss of income and shifted gear on this, recognising (finally) that there is more to life than money and the time spent together as a family is a gift, priceless.
I have become increasingly aware that we have all we need and that the more we have (that we don’t actually need), the more we flitter it away. We’re sold the illusion that having more will make us happier, whether this be financial gain or achievement, at the expense of everything else, but I don’t believe this to be true. What could be more valuable than living a simple and uncomplicated life, spending time with the people we love and hold dear in our hearts, and laughing? Money can’t buy us that; that’s the illusion I’m afraid.
The transition to Zoom was without drama, I decided I wouldn’t get stressed about the internet not working – if it worked it worked, if not no big deal, I needed to flow with it. As it happens we’ve not yet had a single internet glitch, and I have absolutely loved sharing my practice with those who find comfort in online real time learning and I have really enjoyed connecting with students new and old students through Guernsey Mind, as well as those dedicated students who attend all classes. I’m very grateful, thank you, the sense of community and opportunity to share is very welcomed.
My old feelings of insecurity, not being secure in myself or in the world I inhibit have been tested. The trouble with free classes is that people don’t always stay until the end. The Guernsey Mind classes are free and not everyone lasts until the end of the class, I can see that on the screen, but whereas previously I would have felt rejected by it, focusing only on the number who ‘left me’, now I see the positive – the majority of people stay with me until the end and regardless, I really enjoy the experience!
I’ve embraced this opportunity to be together as a family, E also not able to work. We’ve engaged in home learning to a point, but we’ve also enjoyed lots of other ways of learning, mainly through play and outdoor adventures. It’s been liberating to explore another way to be together, as a family, that is not rushed or stressed, that has its own slow flow. Of course the boys still bicker and I am continuously challenged by the relentless requests for snacks, drinks and tissues, and have become little more than a glorified slave (thank god for the respite of teaching!) but there is service in this too!
We’ve tried to do things differently too. Get out as much as our two hours of daily exercise will allow, to new places, on adventures, breathing in the fresh air (sorry, no face masks for us in wide open aerated spaces, we like oxygen too much) and trying to spend time amongst trees and natural water, both helping to support our immune systems. We’ve changed the way we eat, eating our main meal at lunchtime and trying to take on as many vitamins and minerals as we can. There’s been some baking too, and quite a bit of chocolate thrown into the mix, food for the soul hey!
I honestly feel that cultivating a positive mind-set has been key. Any time I have noticed myself slipping into negativity, or becoming judgmental, I remind myself of this, of cultivating a different perspective, and I have attempted to shift my perspective and see the positive – E is very good at helping me to see this. I don’t always manage it and I am not perfect, far from it, I have my messy days like anyone, when my mind is in turmoil, spinning around, but it happens less, when I can pause and catch myself and notice what’s happening in that moment to set me off in a spin in the first place.
The Yoga Sutras are amazing. Each time I read them I learn something new, something helpful. It’s incredible to think that this wisdom, thousands of years old now, is as relevant to us in our modern life as it would have been to the ancient seers. We have been gifted all that we need to cultivate a more peaceful state of mind, so that we do not create so much of our own suffering through our negative and restricted patterns of thinking. The key as always is to delve in deep and practice. I’m confident it’s worth it!
I’ll leave you with a quote from the brilliant Diana Beresford-Kroeger, a botanist, keeper of the Irish Celtic wisdom and a bio-chemist who was asked the question, “how do we keep well during a pandemic?” The answer, she says is simple: “recalibrate your life, slow down and take advantage of nature’s bountiful remedies during a time of disquiet and unease”