Our need to feel safe

The need to feel safe is a deep driving force for us humans. From a psychological perspective, feelings of safety allow the body to refuel, regenerate, build muscle and bone, eliminate waste products and fight off foreign invaders so that we as an organism can thrive.

Thus it follows that babies and children who are cared and nurtured by their family, especially by their mothers, not only thrive during childhood, but experience good health in adulthood. In contrast, children who start life in situations where their need for safety is not met, whether due to chaotic and abusive situations, or emotional/mental/physical trauma, may experience physical and mental health issues, sometimes chronically, which may shorten their lifespan and negatively affect their quality of life.

 It may also be more challenging for that child to reach his or her potential, as so much of their energy is expanded trying to survive. Considering a plant can be helpful. One grown with love in rich soil with plenty of sunlight and water is likely to thrive, in comparison to one which is grown without love in poor soil, limited sunlight and less water. The plants will likely end up looking very different.

When we don’t feel safe, the state of threat is reflected in our psychology and the fight/flight response. This is an automatic physiological reaction to a perceived threat, activating the sympathetic nervous system and preparing the body to either confront or flee the danger. It is a survival mechanism triggered by stress, involving the release of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which increase heart rate, breathing and muscle tension, while also releasing hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. 

We may choose to fight the perceived threat, flee to safety, or freeze (become immobile). This response is a natural and evolved survival mechanism that helps us react quickly to potential dangers. However, while the fight-or-flight response is helpful in acute situations, prolonged activation can lead to various health problems, including stress, anxiety, and physical ailments. 

Furthermore, feeling unsafe can drive many destructive behaviours. Feeling pressured and trapped, for example, can cause us to react aggressively to resolve the situation and anger is often the body’s last-ditch effort to regain control.

Since the most stressful situations are usually the ones we can’t solve, sustained anger can turn into rage and more destructive behaviours can reign. Furthermore, the wear and tear on body tissues from sustained stress response, can cause physical breakdown leading to various illnesses, disease and ultimately a loss of wellbeing.

One of the universal and destructive problems that we experience is feeling trapped by our own thoughts. It is impossible to escape our thoughts. Supressing unpleasant thoughts ignites and feeds the threat response even more than experiencing such thoughts and causes the memory centre of the brain (the hippocampus) to shrink, which can lead to craving for alcohol and drugs to quieten the thoughts. Sadly, this also puts pressure on our immune system.

Thinking can become a habit, which is something I recognised when I started looking at my own safety issues. When I initially started practising yoga, my mind was so restless and my thoughts so consuming and torturous that while I immediately loved practising asana as it was the first time in my life I experienced a pause between thoughts, I couldn’t stay at class for the relaxation as I just found this too difficult.

Eventually I had to stay at class and for to cope I had to invent ways to keep my mind occupied by imagining train carriages and watching them pass one after the other in my mind. Sometimes I imagined helium balloons and kept imaging myself placing my thoughts into them, one by one, and watching them drift away. It was a relief when I discovered Yoga Nidra as this made resting accessible and helped that I was able to work with a resolution too.

Over the twenty odd years of dedicated yoga practice, my thoughts have stilled considerably since then. They have also become increasingly positive. But for many years they were always negative, and this caused me to view life negatively too. I didn’t realise I had a choice about the thoughts I think and could shift them into something more positive. I know now that this is possible, but it does require inner work and awareness.

During this time, I became increasingly aware that the reason I had a tendency towards drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis was simply as a way of quietening my mind and distancing me – numbing me – from my thoughts. The problem being that while this seemed to work in the moment, it caused more restless thinking afterwards, which created a dependence and a vicious cycle, which took some effort to finally stop.

Now I can see how much my thinking fed my need for intoxicants and how intoxicants led to more thinking. My thinking was a safety net in many respects, despite its torturous nature, and so I realised after some time that I needed to work with my thoughts, not the other way around.

Over time my need for intoxicants dropped away and my ability to be with my thoughts became easier. I also worked out techniques which helped to ease my thinking mind, be that through diet and lifestyle choices, and Ayurvedic medicine, and also through various spiritual practices. Meditating and learning to be with my thoughts helped enormously too.

However, my underlying fear around loss of safety runs deep and managing stress has been a huge one for me. Not only am I naturally ascribed to stress as I have a fair share of pitta (fire and water) in me that causes me to overextend, over achieve and always want to be doing, but there is an inner restlessness that comes from not being able to rest easily if my mind is not completely settled. This is not unusual, but from a long-term perspective, it is not idea.

This caused me to deep dive a little further into my feelings around safety, or lack of safety and do some further healing. It can take years for the patterns to reveal themselves and for us to be ready to look at the deeper root system. It takes time to pull out the weeds that might be in the way of us getting to the crux of an issue.

It helps if our children show us the way, which is often the case. The fact both my boys have experienced separation anxiety was not lost on me. I had a niggle that this was due to my own separation anxiety and sure enough when my youngest was officially diagnosed, it was suggested by the clinical practitioner that I was the reason for this. This was validating on many levels and helped me to heal so that I can now be in a better place to help my children too.

It has been quite a journey to reclaime a feeling of safety, simply because a lack of safety infiltrates our every choice and behaviour and, the trouble is, we don’t realise it could be any other way, until we realise. But then we must come to terms with it without entering blame hood or victimhood and be prepared to take responsibility. It does us no favours blaming other family members or holding onto resentment, nor repeating and reinforcing our trauma. This just keeps us stuck.

My not feeling safe began during childhood, as it does with so many – even in this we are never alone. There were various experiences that caused me to feel unsafe and this created separation anxiety when apart from those I loved and led to unhealthy attachment issues and caused a pattern of co-dependency, not least with my brother, but with various friends and indeed boyfriends, including the father of my children – it is no surprise that we continue co-habiting despite the breakdown of our romantic relationship.

Furthermore, these childhood experiences, which we might label traumatic, negatively impacted my ability to open to intimacy – it has always been easier for me to love, than be loved. In the past, to allow myself to be both loved and held, has felt uncomfortable and frightening, because at any moment this can be taken away, which was my experience during childhood - not because anyone wanted to intentionally harm me, just that this was an unconsciously way of control and caused love to feel conditional on me behaving a certain way. Please note that this doesn’t necessarily mean it was conditional, just that because it was sometimes withdrawn, it felt that way.  

The feeling of anxiety that arose because of not feeling safe during those various experiences (I touch on this in more detail in my latest book), led to various coping mechanisms, such as obsessive cleaning, and OCD tendencies where everything had to be ordered and in the right place – clothes hung in colours, T-shirts folded a certain way, books stacked in order of author, alphabetically, of course, no chaos. I also developed certain rituals such as ensuring all finger and toenails were completely clean before bed, and tapping fingers on the bed frame before sleep, this had to be done a certain way each night, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to rest easily.

I found safety in study and developing my intellect, which is not unusual in sensitive children whose emotional needs are not always met – and let’s face it, whose emotional needs are ever truly met.  We will likely become studious and lose ourselves in books, studying hard as this creates a certain feeling of stability, which is otherwise lacking in our minds.

Later when I was studying for A-Levels and the move to university crept nearer, I developed an eating disorder as a way of managing my increasing anxiety levels, not least the fear of the unknown, but the fear of separation from my family and those I loved. I was naturally shy and very enmeshed in the family unit and the idea of being separated was difficult for me as it is for so many.

An eating disorder not only gave my mind something to occupy itself with - the relentless and endless obsession with what I was eating on any given day, which I would repeat over and over in my mind while giving myself a hard time if I had eaten more than I thought I should – but it also gave me a false sense of control when my life felt especially out of control.

My lack of feeling safe, affected my decision making, in so much as I struggled to make decisions as I was worried about the outcome and whether this would be safe – especially if it involved meeting the expectations of others (caring too much what others think). Thus, I would often seek advice and validation outside myself to feel safe, and yet this was frequently counterproductive as it meant I was overriding and ignoring my own intuition and navigation system.

As a result of this, and the constant repression of my emotional body, I experienced bouts of depression and moments of utter rage, which typically came out during the luteal phase of my menstrual cycle, when repressed emotions have a habit of revealing themselves – I labelled it PMS and it was from a medical perspective, but really it was the result of denial and repression and the lack of awareness of self.

Still, life carries on and inevitably during my university days the eating disorder got a lot worse and I flipflopped between binging and starving, becoming obsessed about exercising, and I often suffered with coughs, colds and chest infections as my body highlighted my inner stress and heaviness at being separated from those I loved. I started drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis as a way of coping, which was a shock for my family when I returned home – I had changed, and the change was not well received so I started hating myself even more because I was also super sensitive to criticism and any implied rejection.

In my final year of university, I developed gallstones, which resulted in the removal of my gallbladder not long after my 21st birthday. I know now that this disease was a result of the repression of my emotions and the inner rage and hatred/bitterness I felt towards various individuals in my life because of various life experiences which had led to the loss of feeling safe in the first place. It didn’t help that my relationship with myself was one of hatred, coupled with the effects of the eating disorder was of course going to create toxicity in the body and especially the gallbladder and liver.

Back then, I didn’t appreciate our need to process our life experiences, nor did I know that to truly heal we need to take responsibility, otherwise we can get lost in victimhood, that ‘poor me’ mentality. I also didn’t appreciate that it serves no one to lay blame for what has happened to us and that forgiveness is key in setting ourselves free, as is compassion. So too, appreciating the generational nature of trauma. We are all the product of what came before and what came before that, and of the society in which we each, generationally, have lived.

This is what my boys have helped me to see - that their separation anxiety is a result of my separation anxiety, which is undoubtably the result of my parents’ fear, which is the result of their parents’ fear and back it goes, all the way down the ancestral line. However, we can change this - by changing us, we change it up and down the line, or at least that has been my experience.

The problem comes when we get lost in our trauma and keep reinforcing it by blaming those who we believe harmed us, without recognising the way in which they too have been harmed. In taking responsibility and working with forgiveness, it ends the cycle of blame and allows a certain freedom as the heart opens, and compassion can enter instead. It also stops us being stuck in the past and creating more of our present and future from a trauma-based perspective.

We must remember that there is always a bigger picture. There is more to our experiences than we realise. From a soul perspective, it is through our perceived traumatic experiences that we have the opportunity to expand, so elevating the perspective can be helpful and further set us free from our past and any loaded perceptions and memories.

However, the body keeps score, so it is important that we go to the physical as much as the mental and emotional bodies. For me, Reiki has been hugely helpful at releasing stuck emotions, but really it is the Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga, which has really changed things. This approach to yoga practice gets deep into the body and will release and shift movement patterns that have arisen because of our trauma and repression, bringing embedded memories and emotions to the surface to be cleared.

Often, unconsciously at least, we try to keep these traumas and repressions buried deep so that we do not need to feel them, and yet it is in feeling them and letting them move through us that we can finally let them go from the body. By exploring new ways of moving the body and accessing deeper patterns of tension and holding, we can create the space to allow the release to come when it is ready.

This also increasingly allows us to let go of our unhelpful coping mechanisms, which usually involve some addictions or some form of control. Addictions create a sense of safety but only temporarily, so are not long-term solutions. Addictions are also destructive because they temporarily mask mental and physical pain and pursing relief becomes compelling and obsessive, distracting then.

Our need for control can also arise out of feeling unsafe, and we can be driven towards power as a way of gaining control. Means of control can vary but can infiltrate all areas of our lives and affect our relationship with others. At extreme we can control other people, not consciously necessarily but because of our fear, and our need to feel safe and accepted. This can lead to bullying, not least in schools but in the workplace and this can also create cliques, as a way of gaining power through the exclusion of others.

Our self-esteem is also affected by our feelings of safety or otherwise. Much of our self-esteem is programmed into us by people telling us who we should or shouldn’t be. This leads to us telling ourselves stories about who we are and what is happening to us. This can result in self-critical thoughts, which can consume us and feed our stress and anxiety, let alone our perfectionism and need to be in control.

Our ability to emotionally regulate can also be challenged when we feel unsafe. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation, can become less active when we feel unsafe, making it harder to process information and make sound decisions. We need to give ourselves extra time and a lot of space to be able to process our life experiences effectively.

And of course, feeling unsafe can lead to destructive behaviours, such as aggression or withdrawal, as we try to regain a sense of control and safety. This can have a negative impact on our relationships, making it difficult to form and maintain healthy and intimate relationships, as trust and vulnerability becomes strained. 

And yet often it is through our relationships that we can experience our deeper healing, this if we become increasingly conscious of our patterning and notice how we react and respond when triggered. It is in this way that we can overcome our fears, take back our power, and step into our vulnerability, opening our heart to greater love and intimacy in the process.

It is important that we do the inner work to restore feelings of safety so that we can ease inner tension and support our mental and physical wellbeing. It is not always an easy process, but one that offers greater freedom and indeed love, which is the antidote to fear. This will also allow greater trust and with trust we are gifted freedom – we are always supported and loved; we just don’t always recognise it.

Holding ourselves in gentleness has been key for me. I am grateful for all that I have experienced as it has all played a role in helping me to love and accept myself as I am. This has not been an easy process at times, and I have no doubt there are further layers, but when I feel the inner child nudging, I have learned that she needs the space to be held very lovingly, calmly and gently. I have also been reminded to embrace the healing crisis and know that this too shall pass and that every healing brings greater love.

So, what can we do?

·       Getting in the body and out of the head is essential.  Often fear sits in the root chakra, but links to the solar plexus and feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and of course affects the heart too. We cannot work with chakras in isolation but might find these chakras particularly affected by our need to feel safe. However, we must be careful with the solar plexus especially as the mind can kid us and we can flip from feeling unsafe and insecure to control and egoism and believing we can take on the world. A more balanced approach is needed, which is not from the strong mind dressed up as heart and soul, but from the heart and soul directly – which is where working with a practitioner and/or coach is helpful, so we don’t confuse ourselves and over identify with mind/ego and confuse true ‘power’.

·       I am biased but have found a combination of Reiki, Scaravelli-inspired yoga, Ayurveda and Yoga Nidra very helpful on this journey to heal from feeling unsafe, both from a body and mind perspective, getting to the root cause.

·       Therapy can be helpful. EMDR and the Brandon Bay’s The Journey can support the process.

·       Working with affirmations and resolutions can be extremely helpful in re-programming the sub-conscious, especially when coupled with Yoga Nidra, such as “I am safe, protected and loved”.

·       Challenging our beliefs can be helpful too. Are we truly unsafe? The universe supports us in a myriad of ways, we are always always held in love from all dimensions. Increasingly recognising this can heal our safety wounding and lead to greater trust.

·       Facing our fears with the support of trusted friends or therapists can be helpful too.

·       Learning to be with our thoughts and emotions is important, so that they don’t control us. Anger, for example, is an attempt to mask vulnerability, and to create a sense of emotional safety, yet it is very destructive for those around us. How can we learn to be vulnerable when we have been used to using anger to mask it?

·       Being increasingly conscious of triggers and taking responsibility so that we can respond in a more conscious way so that when we feel anxiety, we recognise that this is because of something which has happened previously and to get to the root of it rather than medicating against it, because otherwise it never truly goes away.

·       Relaxation Techniques including Yoga Nidra, breathing exercises, gentle yoga and guided relaxations can all help enormously.  

·       Space – allow space for processing, baking, hands in the earth, weeding. It is not always advisable to attempt meditation, especially if we are feeling anxious and already too in our head. Better instead to ground through movement and being in the body.

·       Compassion, forgiveness and gentleness for self is essential too – not berating ourselves and giving ourselves a hard time for our perceived imperfections and failures etc. We would likely all do it differently if we knew then what we know now. But we didn’t. So accept, forgive and move on.

Love Emma