Caring what others think

Caring what others think can be a huge obstacle on this path to greater self-love, self-acceptance, self-worth, wholeness and freedom. It permeates every facet of our being and we are often not aware of it.

Caring what others think infiltrates our ordinary and every day existence, whether it is attending to our physical appearance, carefully selecting the words we choose to say to those around us, censoring our various behaviours and even making certain life choices. 

I didn’t appreciate quite the extent to which caring what others think about us, dictates our choices, until I began an enquiry into it. And what an enquiry it has been! It is quite incredible how much we give our power and authenticity away because of caring what others think and how this can cause us to doubt ourselves, feel insecure and feed self-criticism.

There is no doubt that the simple question, “what will people think?”, has single-handedly stopped and aborted hopes and dreams, reducing the lives of many to an existence well below their potential. It also enables people to remain in their comfort zone, where they can easily grow stagnant and suffocated, incapable of realising more of their potential.

Social networking sites have not helped as they enhance the need for approval, Facebook being a prime example. Whatever the motive for setting up an account, it serves as a platform where we might play a ‘role’ that entertains an audience willing to listen. We know what we’re doing when we upload certain photos and post our statuses, writing specific words and sentiments on various walls’, not least do we crave attention from others, but we wish to be perceived in a certain light. 

In many ways the need to be approved has been conditioned within us since birth - approval from others gives us a higher sense of self-esteem and self-worth, we feel accepted and that acceptance allows us to feel safe. Safety plays a huge role in caring what others think, simply because our feeling of safety allows us to thrive, or dive, here on Planet Earth, where tribes and community have always played such a significant role – no one wants to be the ugly duckling or the extra lamb without a nipple to feed upon.

Furthermore, we have been taught that recognition matters to our self-worth and how we value ourselves – we have been encouraged to seek this externally, through other people’s thoughts and opinions of us.

Needless to say this creates a certain dependency on receiving external adoration, praise, approval and acceptance for us to feel safe, worthy, secure, loveable, accepted and appreciated. And this means that if we don’t receive this external validation, then we can feel empty, insecure, anxious, and as if we are neither loveable nor acceptable just as we are – we are not enough.

Externalising our worth based on other people’s opinions and thoughts is a trap therefore, and yet a part of our conditioning, so that we don’t realise until we realise and can then do something about it.

For many years I cared an awful lot what others thought of me as I knew no different. I was inherently insecure and lacked any sense of self-worth. I considered myself unlovable and never quite good enough. This motivated much of my need to over-achieve and I developed perfectionist tendencies, which created even more internal angst as I was never quite living up to my high standards.

I over-personalised things too, which didn’t help, because I was especially sensitive to my perception of other people’s response/reaction to me. I was hyper sensitive to perceived criticism especially, a theme which had woven its way through my childhood and teenage years. I could never get it quite right and would give myself a very hard time if I was criticised, or felt I was criticised and it would give rise to deep feelings of anxiety, because it would throw into question my worth and security.

Safety was a big theme for me and if I was criticised by my parents for not living up to their expectations, for example, then this would throw me into a huge spin because I was desperate to receive their unconditional love and it felt as if their love was dependent on me doing what was expected of me. This was a perception and not real, but it felt real in my body and it took many years to work this through – to realise that I am safe and entirely lovable without other people needing to approve of me or validate me.

Before I discovered spiritual practice and began working on myself, I would drink too much wine at times and suffer with enormous paranoia the next day. I would text those people with whom I had been socialising, to apologise for my behaviour, even though there was nothing to apologise for, but I felt so insecure about being out of control, and worried so much what they thought of me that I couldn’t rest easily until I had been reassured that no one thought badly of me.

Later, even when I had been working on myself for some time, I noticed that I cared what others thought of my increasingly unconventional way of living and the clothes I was wearing. When travelling I feel free as a bird, anonymous and able to be myself. Back here on Guernsey, I’d feel uncomfortable wearing the same clothes I wore travelling, considering them a bit too out there for Guernsey people to accept me, and worried incessantly at being accused of being a hippie or alternative or of being perceived differently in the work place – it mattered that people still accepted me.

Publishing books was a huge one for me too. For many years my family checked my writing, at my request, but this was also so I could be sure I wasn’t implicating them or saying anything which would bring ill repute to the family. With my last book on depression I didn’t allow it to be censored and this caused some conflict because of the sensitivity of the subject and the fact some view depression as a weakness. I learned that sometimes it is not that we are limited by what people think of us, but what people think of others within our family circle and whether we are behaving in a way expected of us.

Then the pandemic came and massively changed things for me. I hadn’t realised until then how much my sense of worth was dependant on how many people attended my classes. With the shift to online yoga and the yoga falling out of favour, many students never returned to class post-pandemic and I took it very personally. This was extremely helpful though as I knew I then needed to go deeper, to not keep externalising my worth and sense of self.

Later still, when my romantic relationship with my children’s father fell apart and we consciously uncoupled and yet continued co-habiting and co-parenting, this also challenged my ability to feel safe and secure, because now we were living increasingly unconventionally and subject to the potential gossip, commentary, opinions and indeed judgements of others.

It didn’t help that six months later I found love elsewhere, in another unconventional relationship that doesn’t tick a single conventional love box and therefore difficult to define, beyond deep soul connection. It was not an easy time, but I learned a lot about staying true to the self and appreciating that other people’s opinions and judgements arise from their conditioning being challenged and that we are safe regardless – at least if we have done the inner work not to care what others think.

At the end of the day, people will always comment and criticise, judge and give their unsolicited opinions if we behave in a way which is beyond their belief system. It threatens the status quo. It can also highlight where they are stuck in their own lives and creating their own suffering. Many are scared to make changes and when they see you making changes this challenges them and rather than feel happy for you, they will instead judge and criticise you, because then it validates their choice to stay stuck.

The issues really arise when our caring too much what others think, interferes with our own intuition. Again I know all about this from my own experience of living up to other’s expectations of me coupled with my conditioning which told me life had to be lived a certain way. However none of this made me very happy and yet I made myself the problem not other people or society. This led to me feeling incredible rage and anger towards myself that I couldn’t just be happy living like everyone else, which led to periods of depression.

It was through spiritual life coaching (using Reiki) that I started to not only connect with my intuition – until then I had no idea that I had this internal navigation system as I was often told what to do and how to live so didn’t always connect with it – but to realise that I had choice, that I could follow my heart and live in a way that felt true and real and indeed joyful for me. but again, this wasn’t easy. Every time I made a choice based on my heart’s desires it would meet with challenge and this would make me doubt myself.

Still, over time, I learned to increasingly trust my intuition, and realised that the fear of being judged by others for following my heart – and therefore caring what they thought about me – was less scary than compromising on my own hopes  and dreams. After all, we are only here on this planet once in this body in this lifetime as far as we know, why live it in a way that doesn’t bring us joy?

But herein lies another issue – many have beliefs which cause them to believe that life is not meant to be lived joyfully, that it is meant to be hard work and involve much drudgery. The Buddha did say that life is one of suffering, and this has been acknowledged by many other spiritual masters, but this doesn’t mean that we have to give up on our joy.

But joy aside, there is more – sometimes we care so much what others think that we don’t say what we want to say, because of our fear of being judged, so we censor ourselves, and compromise our true selves – our authentic self. We play roles. So we become one person In one situation, and quite another in a different situation depending on the company and our caring how they perceive us. This can be exhausting over time and highlights a lack of self-love and acceptance – that we cannot just be ourselves. 

Which leads to people-pleasing – many are so keen to please others and meet their expectations of us for all the reasons stated above, that they will make life choices accordingly. This can only result in further suffering because it doesn’t matter how hard we try, we can never do things just as others want or expect. People pleasing causes us to violate a silent sacred pact with ourselves, denying our nature and our integrity, leading to a downward spiral of yet more self-doubt and inner turmoil.

And because it may be pertinent to some of you reading this. The other major issue with caring too much what others think, is that we don’t use our innate gifts, for fear of not being good enough and therefore being criticised and/or rejected by others - the dreaded imposter syndrome. This means many won’t use their Reiki hands to help others as they care too much about being judged by the recipient, forgetting that the recipient would love nothing more than receiving Reiki. Of course there are some who judge for reasons above - it is totally out of their belief system - and my advice is not to waste your energy on them and certainly don’t try to convince them, just respect their choice and offer compassion.

But it’s the same for those who desperately want to teach yoga but are fearful of how they are received. If this applies to you, remember that we all have to start somewhere and we are generally up against our own perfectionist tendencies and caring too much what we think and judging ourselves against our own judgement system. Let it go. It is incredible how many people sabotage their own hopes and dreams because of caring too much what their self-depreciating ego thinks and allowing the imposter syndrome to run wild.

Always remember that what is meant to happen will happen and that we cannot take responsibility for other people’s experience of life. Some will judge and opinion, not least because it is out of their comfort zone and belief system, but because it has triggered something in them. Remember that is their stuff. As long as we come from a place of integrity then we shouldn't let their insecurity and fear destabilise us - we are fundamentally safe and fully supported from all different dimensions.

Here are some signs that we care too much what others think:

·       We struggle to set boundaries;

·       We avoid doing things that call to us;

·       We have a hard time communicating to others when we know that they will disapprove of our perspective and/or life choices after making certain choices in our lives for fear how others will respond;

·       We choose our clothes and jewellery based on seeking approval from others;

·       We experience anxiety when making choices which we know may not be approved by those close to us;

·       We fear rejection if we are our true selves;

·       We work too much and feel overwhelmed’

·       We experience stress and anxiety’

·       We feel resentment’

·       We avoid doing things which call to us, especially if it is perceived as a bit ‘woo woo’ to others’

·       We pass up potential opportunities;

·       We over achieve – seeking approval becomes compulsive, like approval addicts looking for our next hit.

Here are signs that caring too much what others think has become harmful to health, especially mentally:

·       We change ourselves in response to criticism, regardless of who it has come from;

·       We let other people make decisions for us;

·       We don’t set or maintain boundaries;

·       We’re perfectionists;

·       We hold back from saying what we’d like to say, if our opinion differs from others;

·       Our peace of mind relies on approval from others;

·       We’re constantly apologising, even when we have done nothing wrong;

·       We rarely say no. 

Here are some traps that caring too much what others think brings with it:

·       We constantly compare ourselves to others and judge our worth by how we feel we stack up to others;

·       Pretending to be someone we are not;

·       Conforming to societal conventions or conventional paths rather than treading our own unique path;

·       Holding back or not trying new activities and jobs etc. due to fear of failure;

·       Feeling jealous of others for seemingly getting their life in order and moving ahead;

·       Sticking with a career which doesn’t bring joy, because we are afraid what others will think if we do something different;

·       Not setting proper boundaries as caring too much what others think of us;

·       Trying to buy friendships;

·       Being consumed by the need for status, prestige and approval;

·       Addicted to work.

As I found out myself, it can be difficult to let go of caring what others think. For the most part we have been doing this our whole lives so it is a tough habit to break but it is possible.

Here are some tips for letting go of caring what others think:

·       Self-love – this is key. This is the ability to unconditionally hold ourselves in hight esteem, without doubting our worth or purpose – elevating the perspective and recognising our divine nature and without the need for external validation;

·       Appreciating ourselves and letting go of self-judgement, regret, blame and criticism. Forgiveness is a powerful technique to move on;

·       Practice saying no so that we can become more comfortable with it;

·       Knowing ourselves – witnessing our patterns around caring too much what others think and trying to get to the root – is it to feel safe? Is it to feel validated? Is it to feel loved? If so, keep doing the work on ourselves to cultivate this internally, rather than seeking it externally;

·       Stop caring what others think. Literally. Noticing the discomfort of this but do it anyway. Just let it go. Who cares about other people’s thoughts and opinions. These chop and change like the wind and one day they will be dead with their thoughts and opinions and we will have sacrificed our life unnecessarily for them;

·       Developing our own convictions in a world which constantly wants us to conform;

·       Developing the courage to speak our truth from the heart, without being concerned how it is receive;

·       Spending time in solitude away from other people’s noise can be very helpful in giving us the space to hear our own inner voice. Other people’s opinions and judgements can cloud our ability to hear our own truth;

·       Spending time in nature, lying on the earth or sitting under a tree can be very helpful in hearing more of our own truth;

·       Letting go of the need to be liked. It is an illusion anyway. We can expend huge amounts of energy trying to be liked but at the end of the day we can’t control how we are perceived by others and while we may think we are full of goodness, kindness and loveliness, others may have a very different perspective on things. Not everyone likes us and this is OK. We don’t need to be liked to survive in this world and at the end of the day why squander copious amounts of energy trying to be liked, and appreciate the friendships and kind connections that we do have in our life;

·       Stop people- pleasing. Delve deeper into why we might do this in the first place – what part of us feels the need to put the needs, desires and whims of other people ahead  of our own. What part of us still requires healing and integration. Be mindful of labelling ourselves ‘people-pleasers’ and making it so. We can change this!

·       Be OK with being criticised, otherwise this will absolutely get in the way of us achieving and manifesting our hopes and dreams. Unless we do absolutely nothing with our life, we will likely be criticised and talked about, sometimes in unflattering terms. Let it go. Don’t fear being criticised – in many ways it shows that we’re doing something different with our lives. Remember that not all criticism is negative and can be viewed more so in a constructive way;

·       Being aware of our emotional stability. The more we care what others think, the more we may open ourselves up to emotional reaction. Appreciate that while our emotions may be valid, they are also fleeting – they are no more us than our thoughts. Practice detachment from emotions while still allowing them to move through;

·       Being compassionate for ourselves and others can be really helpful in not feeling threatened by the opinions of others. Appreciating that if people are judging and criticising us, then they are likely giving themselves a really hard time, judging and criticising themselves too.  It is likely they may feel threatened by us, which causes them to not like us in the first place, so we can cultivate compassion for them and their own suffering;

·       Practice saying no. And therefore take time before saying yes to a new task or commitment and having very clear boundaries;

·       Developing better boundaries in life generally;

·       Become increasingly self-aware, listening to our inner voice and noticing more of our patterns;

·       Noticing the inner critic and consciously quietening it;

·       Being very clear about what we want from life, not what others want for us and from us;

·       Gaining perspective – does the company we work for really and truly care about us, in years to come will it really matter?

·       Remembering that people’s opinions are just thoughts and thoughts change all the time, so do we really want to compromise our hopes and dreams by aligning to the fleeting thoughts and opinions of others;

·       When we receive other people’s criticism and/or disapproval of our choices, sit with it – how much does it really matter? Can we go into the discomfort of the feeling and let it move through us. Notice how we are still safe;

·       Value our freedom – of being able to be true to ourselves in every situation;