The changes that come
Chanting to Ganesha has made me painfully aware of some of the obstacles I have popped on my path - the ways we compromise our energy and vitality, for example, by our belief system and thinking patterns, the stories we tell ourselves and the way we project our stuff on to others.
And the intuitive and somatic practice with my teacher, which is taking me deeper into the side of my hand has opened the back of my heart, where I - like most - have hidden some of my deepest wounding.
This year is intense. but they did always say that it would take time for the effect of the major lunar standstill to ripple through our life. Plus as a Cancerian, I am also navigating the Chiron - wounded healer - transit between ages 50-52, which brings up long-standing core wounds, vulnerabilities, and patterns to offer a final opportunity for - ha - deep acceptance, wisdom, and self-reclamation. Phew.
In many ways I am reminded of the Pandemic and the way it came in and changed life overnight. I couldn’t work, and had to face my fears of financial insecurity; my client base dropped away, and never properly returned, yoga all of a sudden fell out of fashion and I could no longer teach that old way anyway, so a lot of my students walked away, others took up sea swimming.
I felt out of control and I didn’t like it, fought it, found it difficult to surrender to it, let alone accept it.
This is the ego of course.
And during periods of intense healing it raises its head to fight against the change that is taking place, because it has to let go of the status quo and it doesn’t like this, doesn’t like letting go of being - or feeling as if it is - in control. It fights the heart, and the light that is trying to shine in.
The day before yesterday I suddenly had an urge to create a stone circle in the garden. A friend is creating one too, but she’s all into sacred geometry and the maths, the flattened circle, versus the classic one. I can’t be doing with all that. I felt to collect stones from Saints and they called to me. I carried them home (yes, they were happy with this) and used my rods to ascertain the cardinal points and then off I went from there.
I consecrated the stones with air, water, fire and earth and lit a candle to begin whatever is wanting to come in.
Later, I realised it was exactly ten years since the La Gran’ Mère du Chimquière in St Martin’s churchyard had called to me, on the eve of Eben’s birth, hours before my contractions began and I have been in service to her ever since.
Eben incarnated ten years ago yesterday. He’s taken us on a wild journey, which began when he was still in utero. He keeps asking me to let go of what I think I know, to allow something else instead.
He reminds me when I am not listening and while I will always resist, I will soon realise that he is right, I am not listening, instead I am acting from a place of conditioning. I then laugh at myself. They are wise my boys; they are teaching me much more than I am teaching them. And I am grateful for the way they ask me to keep letting go and having faith in them.
So here’s to letting go, as hard as it is, as much as our ego will fight it, as much as we will want to resist the messiness of the process, it is the only way to reveal greater authenticity and wholeness, as we reclaim the light of our heart and love ourselves more dearly than we ever realised was possible.
Change is afoot, the winds are bringing it in. Enjoy the ride!
Love Emma x
