How to stop taking on too much responsibility for others

It is a common theme, which shows up with many of my clients, this tendency to take on too much responsibility for others and/or mothering them, especially with partners. Here are some key points:

Many of us try to rescue others from the problems which they have created. Perhaps we know what it is like to suffer and want to ease their suffering. Thus we take on their responsibilities and overextend ourselves in an attempt to do it for the other person. Ultimately we cannot truly help others – certainly we can help to ease their suffering in that moment, but unless they get to the root cause of the situation, it will likely just keep happening again, a cause and effect cycle.

When this behaviour becomes a habit, it can lead to a repetitive cycle of rescuing and this can lead not only to our exhaustion, but to us feeling resentful and take advantage of. For many, the behaviour to attempt to rescue others and/or mother them was set up in childhood. 

Perhaps we were the older sibling and were encouraged to take responsibility for the welfare of younger siblings. Or perhaps our parents found it difficult to take responsibility for themselves and would pass the responsibility to us – the parent/child relationship reversing. Thus the tendency to take responsibility becomes normalised and we don’t realise it could be any different. We are more likely to become the ‘responsible adult’ in all situations, including friendship groups and the work place and may seek partners we can ‘mother’.

In most cases, the person we have rescued is more than capable of solving their own problems, and in some cases, may even resent our help. In other cases though they may be happy to receive our help, negating their responsibility – many men love to be mothered given half a chance, and many women seek a father figure in their life for this very reason. However this may well disempower them, and prevent them from standing on their own two feet and can feed co-dependence.

The words rescuer, caretaker and enabler, all basically mean the same thing in the context of relationships, which are harmful to both people involved. Anytime we take responsibility for another adult, or overly mother them, we run the risk of enabling that person to continue with their own negative and delf-depreciating tendencies, bad habits and/or poor decision making. In many ways it is a destructive from of helping, regardless of our good intentions.

Most people who are rescuing, enabling or mothering other adults are not even aware that they are doing it because of it being normalised. They may believe that they are simply being kind and helpful, dedicated children, or responsible adults, and have no choice but to fix the problems caused by others. There are many ways we may act as caretakers including:

·      Agreeing to do something we do something we don’t want to do to help someone out;

·      Taking on someone else’s responsibility, without even being asked;

·      Trying to ensure that everyone else is OK;

·      Speaking for someone else who is capable of speaking up for themselves;

·      Taking the consequence for someone else’s problem;

·      Fixing someone else’s problem;

·      Trying to save someone from their own bad habits by being their caretaker;

·      Not asking for what we want or need.

·      Exhausting ourselves trying to provide for everyone and take care of all their needs.

Those who have a tendency to caretake and rescue, know very well the frequent feelings of frustration and resentment which can arise when they use their energy trying to help others and ignore their own wants and needs in the process. It becomes one sided and an energy drain – we pay the price for giving away our time and energy so easily. In the end this approach will lead to resentment towards the person we are trying to save/overly mother, which will cause an inner rigidity and toxicity.

Very often the outcome is not what we hoped and this lack of the desired outcome can cause us to shift to a new frame of mind – now we become the victim. We have given our time and energy to try and improve someone else’s situation – often over giving - and they either don’t appreciate it, or do not change their habits or even become angry at us for our interference. Our need to feel needed was met briefly, but then it dropped away and we can feel empty.

It is this inner emptiness and need to feel needed that may cause us to take responsibility for others and overly mother, in the first place. We may fear rejection and abandonment due to childhood trauma and do all we can to ensure that we are neither rejected nor abandoned by over giving and creating a dependency by trying to take responsibility for others in the first place. It becomes a habit and a pattern that just exhausts us and keeps us trapped in the cycle.

Ultimately we need to get to the root – what motivates us to take responsibility and can we heal that part of us that has taken on this caretaker/rescuer energy. Can we free ourselves from the inner victim that is driving this whole scenario.

Furthermore, when we don’t meet our own wants and needs because we are too busy trying meet others’ wants and needs, we may well become angry. Our anger may be expressed in withdrawn moodiness, passive aggression or in an outburst of criticism and /or rage. We have dropped the role of rescuer and victim, and now we become the persecutor.

Thus we may get angry at the person we are trying to save, even though they may never have asked us to help them in the first place. Furthermore, helping people who have not asked for help, assumes that they are incapable of sorting their own problems. Helping them out – assuming responsibility – may meet our need to be feel needed, but it send a message to them that they are not capable of being responsible for themselves – this can cause them to feel inadequate or helpless.

Sometimes our efforts to help others may meet a desired outcome, but more often than not, we are either creating dependency or resentment in the person being ‘helped’ – even worse if they feel ‘fixed’. It may never ultimately change anything and simply enables existing negative patterns and tendencies.

Fortunately there are ways to change this self-destructive pattern one we have recognised that we are playing it out. Firstly we need to recognise that we are really only responsible for ourselves. Sure, we might be responsible for the health, welfare and safety of our children, but even then, we cannot assume responsibility for their choices or their experience of life.

Furthermore, it is not our job to ease other people’s suffering. As Gandhi said, “be the change you want to see in this world” – we start with ourselves, we change ourselves to ease our own suffering. It is up to others to do the same for themselves.

It can be helpful to write down a list of perceived responsibilities both at home and work. Then be very honest  - which of those responsibilities are truly your responsibilities? Which have you just assumed? You may be surprised at how much responsibility you have taken on yourself.

Become aware of when you are trying to rescue someone else. It may be one of the ways listed above, or in another way that has become normalised to you. Notice how you feel after you play out the role of rescuer. Are you feeling resentful (persecutor) or taken advantage of (victim)? Be aware how these feelings relate to your choice to rescue the other person from their own choices.

Can you change the pattern? Can you catch yourself before you assume responsibility and go into rescuer mode? This might be difficult at first, and it may well bring up anxiety around ‘what will happen if I don’t help?’.

Be increasingly assertive about what you need from others. Ask others to be assertive about what they need from you too. Remember that you have the choice to say ‘no’ to their requests. Furthermore, they have the freedom to make their own mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.

It might be helpful to advise those involved in advance, be that family members, friends or co-workers, that you are trying to do things differently and no longer take responsibility when it is not yours to take. Whenever we withdraw our energy from others there is likely to be a kick back, especially if they have gotten used to us over-giving and rescuing. This is where healthy boundaries is so important – to be very clear about where you begin and end. It is in this way that you essentially take your power back and become increasing self-centered, in your centre.

Finally, it is worth remembering that taking on too much responsibility for others’ behaviours can become a lifelong habit that harms both yourself and the other person. It can cause frustration, resentment and feelings of being taken advantage of. Changing this habit is difficult – the energy will shift – but once it is done, you will begin to realise how much the situation has been harming yourself and your relationships.

Love Emma x