Clear communication is essential for our wellbeing

I am constantly amazed by people’s inability to communicate effectively and how this negatively impacts their relationships, whether with their partner, friends, colleagues and/or acquaintances.

Often clients will communicate their truth to me, but will not be able to communicate to those with a vested interest. So I may well know that they are unhappy in their romantic relationship, or that their partner keeps behaving in a way that is upsetting to them, or their boss keeps asking too much of them, but they struggle to communicate this with the person themselves so nothing essentially changes.

This inability to communicate can rest heavily on my clients, the words stuck in their throats, unable to speak their truth because of fear of how it is received, or of confrontation, or the resulting change, or of inherent insecurity, and how this can lead to confusion, frustration, irritation and feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and depression.

Learning to communicate clearly and consistently with others is therefore important when establishing and developing healthy relationships. It also ensures less conflict and easier interactions with people in our lives, so that nothing is left hanging in the air, and people unsure of where they stand. 

Of course communication can be verbal or nonverbal. By crossing arms, rolling eyes during conversation, yawning and sighing, or nodding the head and leaning into a person speaking, all of this can convey a lot of meaning without words. Thus body language is a vital aspect of communication, which can display our emotions and the subtext of words without having to say it out loud.

But when we find ourselves in a relationship where clear and reassuring communication is insufficient, we can find ourselves feeling confused, lonely and left with mixed signals, because we don’t know how the other person is feeling. This lack of productive communication can really mess with our mind and impact our emotional and mental health and wellbeing.

Everyone can learn, with a little bit of practice, how to communicate better and make their relationships stronger in the process.

What does lack of communication mean?

A lack of communication typically occurs when someone experiences challenges with effectively communicating their needs and expectations. If we have a difficult time communicating then we may find ourself not getting our needs met at work, with our family and friends, or in romantic relationships.

This can make us feel anxious, insecure, frustrated, angry, sad and lonely. Challenges with communication can therefore make it difficult to maintain relationships or leave us feeling uncertain of where we stand in relationships and hence the insecurity.

Ineffective communication can also lead to many misunderstandings or disagreements simply because of the lack of clarity. This can include making mistakes or completing tasks incorrectly, having our feelings hurt, causing arguments or distancing ourselves from others. If these or other communication issues occur frequently, then it may impact on our relationships.

Examples of poor communication

Interestingly the learned behaviour and patterns that we all adopt from our upbringings can influence our ability to communicate clearly. Even with awareness, we can fall back into old patterns, that can negatively influence our relationships.

For example, a partner may have grown up in a family that didn’t communicate effectively, but instead regularly communicated through yelling and shouting at each other instead. This, in turn, may cause them to shut down when attempting to convey their needs because they were criticised or yelled at when they had previously tried.

Or perhaps a partner grew up in a household where there was a lot of chatter, but never about anything meaningful that addressed how an individual was feeling on an emotional and/or mental body, imagining that everyone is thriving, while beneath the surface children are struggling to make sense of how they are feeling as it is not validated to them. This can lead to issues with intimacy in later life that can impact the depth of a relationship and cause a lot to go unsaid, creating confusion and frustration for the partner.

In some instances, partners may not say anything. We can ask them all sorts of questions, intimate or otherwise, but their emotional repression prevents them from being able to honestly answer us. Again, this because their emotional needs were never addressed as children and they remain disconnected to their emotional body in adulthood and we find ourselves trying to second guess them.

We have to remember, however, that everyone’s experience of life is different. We do not all think or feel the same. We can all be in the same room but having a very different experience of it.

Poor communication doesn’t only affect our relationships with family and friends, but it can also affect us beyond our relationships with friends or family as it can also present challenges in the work place. Ineffective communication among co-workers can also affect job performance and a team’s ability to reach goals.

For example, imagine that a manager doesn’t clearly communicate what is expected of us during the workday, which could leave us wondering what they really want from us. This failure to communicate clear expectations can lower our moral or cause us to get in trouble for not meeting unclear expectations.

But it is not all one sided. If we don’t communicate to our manager that we are unclear about their expectations, then they won’t know that we’re having difficulty meeting our goals, and might even assume that our silence means that we understand what is expected of us.

Different communication styles

 When we are seeking to improve communication, it is important to note that each person’s style and manner of communication is different – this because we all have different backgrounds and psychology etc. Also, some people are just simply better at communicating than others – it can be viewed as a gift in some ways.

For example neurodivergent people including those with autism, may communicate in different ways. For example, avoiding eye content and fidgeting may help them concentrate better or feel more comfortable in conversation, and doesn’t always indicate a disinterest in the communication.

Furthermore, using different communication styles doesn’t necessarily mean that the communication is less effective, though it often requires communicating with greater thoughtfulness and intention.

Signs of poor communication

Poor communication can leave us feeling frustrated, angry, confused, anxious, upset, distant and more. And even if we cannot pinpoint exactly where communication is breaking down, we can feel the stress of those interactions.  This is the reason it is important to identify the signs of poor communication in our relationships so that we can work to address them.

Some general signs of poor communication include:

·      Passive listening instead of active listening;

·      Shutting down;

·      Yelling or screaming;

·      Letting things bottle up inside and then exploding into anger or sadness;

·      Becoming physically or verbally abusive;

·      Dismissing other people’s point of view;

·      Demonstrating passive-aggressive behaviour;

·      Not being clear about expectations, needs or wants

·      Giving the silent treatment;

·      Withdrawing love;

·      Interrupting.

Can poor communication get in the way of effective relationships?

Poor or insufficient communication doesn’t have to get in the way of effective relationships, as long as both people are committed to learning and practising better communication skills.

Thus repairing communication works best when all the people involved share the responsibility of making it work. By practising, giving feedback and seeking out help, anyone’s communication skills can improve. However if someone continually crosses our boundaries or verbally abuses us, it might indicate an unhealthy relationship and we may benefit from re-evaluating that person’s role in our life.

How to improve communication

Improving our communication skills is an ongoing process and like most learned skills, the more time and practice we put into it, the more improvements we will see. There are many techniques we can try, including:

Using “I” statements – Using “I” statements can help us put our feelings into words and explain how we are specifically affected by another person’s behaviour. Because we are intentionally focusing on ourselves, we aren’t attributing negative actions or placing blame on the other person.  This can help prevent a defensive response/reaction because the other person is less likely to feel attacked or blamed. Once we have communicated how we are impacted by the behaviour, we can then begin to describe what changes we would like to see to resolve the conflict.

As an example – rather than saying, “you never help me around the house!”,  we might consider saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I am the only one cleaning the house. It would make such a difference to me if you would help me with the laundry and keeping the house tidy”. While the first example is accusatory and may cause a defensive reaction in the other person, the second example clearly states the person’s needs, feelings and expectations.

Set clear boundaries – In any relationship, setting clear boundaries is very important so that there is no misunderstanding about when those lines are crossed nor what subjects are off limits. If boundaries are not clearly communicated, people may be unaware that they have gone too far.

For example we might say, “I don’t like it when you shout at me over the phone. I am not OK with shouting and I don’t want to have further conversations that include shouting”. The person is clearly communicating their boundary, that they are not OK with shouting, and stating their expectations for future conversations.

Take time out if necessary – There are certain times, especially during heated conversations when it might be necessary to take a break to calm down and collect our thoughts, and return to the conversation with a clearer mindset. Even a brief pause can help prevent a further communication breakdown. If we find ourselves in a heater argument, overcome with anxiety, or very upset, this can indicate that a time out is needed. Taking space doesn’t mean avoiding the conversation, it just means helping to be able to return and communicate clearly.

Practice active listening – active listening is when we listen closely to what someone is saying with the intention of understanding and responding to what they have shared. If we are only listening to share our perspective or we find ourselves tuning out, the chances are we are not actively listening.

To practice active listening we should give the speaker our full attention, avoid interrupting, avoid jumping to conclusions, reflect back what we hear the person saying, be aware of body language, make eye contact, and not judging or shaming the speaker.

In many ways, active listening is key to maintaining an emotional connection and trust between individuals. Active listening encourages displays of empathy, reflection and encouragement.

Next steps

People who communicate well are able to clearly express themselves and their needs a understand the expectations that others have set for them. But this isn’t a skill that always comes naturally and it can take time to practice and master this.

If we face challenges with our communication skills or feel that there is a strong communication in our personal relationships then we might consider talking to the other person about our concerns and commit to finding new techniques that can make us both better communicators and listeners.

However, if we find ourselves overwhelmed or anxious about exploring how to improve our communication, then talking to a trusted friend or therapist can help.

We have to remember that poor communication doesn’t signal the end of a relationship, or that it has failed. It can be used an opportunity to practice and improve.

Last comments

Effective communication is key for healthily relationships and for maintaining our wellbeing. It can be helpful to try to understand what prevents us from communicating clearly – what is our fear? Often it is a fear of how our communication is received due to an inherent insecurity, or because our words may create change and that can be scary.

But the more we hang onto what we want to say, the more it eats away at us and disturbs our inner peace. It is always better to do what we can to get the words out, even if that means writing down what we want to say and passing that on instead of verbally communicating.

If the other person doesn’t know how we feel then how can things change for the better? We have to remember that people are not necessarily psychic, they don’t know how we are feeling unless we tell them. An awful lot of confusion and frustration can be eased by sharing our truth.

Furthermore, if effective communication doesn’t take place, then we are often create stories  about the situation instead. These stories are usually inaccurate but we believe them to be true and so our whole perception of reality is skewed. This can then cause all sorts of angst for everyone involved. Better to be honest, speak our truth, listen and ensure there is no confusion.

People won’t know that they have crossed our boundary, or not met our wants/needs or not honoured our tastes and desires, unless we actually give voice to that. Clear communication is essential for our wellbeing.

I am biased but Vedic chanting can really help people to find their voice. Reiki helps enormously too, and spiritual life coaching makes a huge difference in people finding their voice. Information on all of this is available on the website.

Happy communicating!

Love Emma x