How life changes
Sometimes we have no idea where life is taking us and that’s OK.
Sometimes we have to let go of what we think we know, to let something even more magical in.
Sometimes we have to changed by the challenges and open to other perspectives
Sometimes we have to be brave, to open our heart to greater vulnerability to enjoy the love that we seek.
Sometimes we have to admit that something isn’t working and cultivate the courage to try again
Sometimes we have to step back from the world and find our new way.
I’v been finding a new way since Em passed back in December. Her death tore my world apart, made me question, go deeper into healing, into nature, into myself, into her girls and baby boy, to mine too, some things had to drop away, priorities changed, boundaries tightened, I had to sit with the discomfort of saying no, of not having the capacity for others.
Shetland offered the space I needed to process as the grief tore into me, tears and tears, layers and layers, years and years, all the suppression. Em gifted me so much in her passing, a dear soul friend. Feeling her essence, recognising that we are essentially essence, made so much of our reality seem so distracting.
In the ‘spiritual’ arena too, so much noise that takes people away from the truth of their being, more conditioning - I can’t tell you how much yoga conditioning I have had to let go of these last few years since working with my teacher and finding a new way, trying to carve a new paradigm, get out of the rational mind and all it’s need for control and knowing.
There is something much deeper in us that the thoughts we think and the feelings that can entrap us in our victim mentality if we are not careful. At source we are essence, beating hearts in unison with the earth’s own resonance. Beyond labels and roles, identities and titles, we are just this - love. Shrouded, hidden, wrapped in damp cloths, laden with trauma, heavy with derogatory words, hidden in mud; sometimes it is difficult to see the light of ourselves or indeed of others with all our judgements and criticising, all our trying to keep safe by making others wrong.
Our peace matters.
Our heart being open matters.
My own heart had been closed through life’s pain., Not totally closed, but closed to being more vulnerable, because it hurt, had hurt, had been hurt.
Recently an incident caused my heart too lose again. I only recently clocked it, the patterns, the loss in confidence, the questioning of my ability to teach, the questioning of my integrity (was I stuck in shadow, was my intuition off). Sark gifted the space I needed to see this and to catch my mind. No. We are all of us, me too, enough.
Not everyone will like us, but that’s OK. I realised last year the discomfort of knowing that we are not liked. Yet I also realised how much effort we can put into being liked and how little control we have over the outcome of that. And how deep down, the only reason we care, is because of our inherent insecurity which is not enough to hold us when being torn down by others.
Love. I realise the answer is love. Love for me. Love for you. Love for what I do. Do it for the love of it, I hear over and over in my head.
There’s not enough joy in this world.
History, over time, it’s been the same, wars and slavery, now is no different, just different words used to describe the same thing. Best not to get too distracted.
At the end of the day the only change we can truly make in the word is in ourselves. if we want to see more peace, we need to cultivate that in ourselves.
Injustice, I find myself needing to call this out. But held in love, knowing that there are multiple ways of perceiving the world. That people are heart, deep, deep inside. Everyone needs a little help at times.
This moon, new tomorrow, dark today, is asking that. Live presently. Amongst the trees and the birds, the sun and the moon, between the skies and the earth. Tread gently, touch tenderly, breathe easily, love generously.
Sark was a gift for a soul, the most vibrant yellow and exquisitely smelling gorse, the endless and abundant purple bluebells standing proud in the sun, the lush green grass, sea gulls, tits, cormorants abound, I saw a pod of dolphins following a nudge to walk out to the northerly point, to a destroyed dolmen.
I’m thinking of you Em even as I write these words. I have been thinking of you for months now., Shetland gifted me space and now I can’t stop writing, about grief and loss, pages and pages, a book in the making and Sark you gift the space to be, and I am grateful to the great mystery for holding this space, for all the magic in this world, and the heart, beating.
Thank you to Louise for the beautiful Sark chalet, it sleeps two, in the remote north, let me know if you need details. Thank you to Buddy for the love you gift my children, Eben especially.
Love Emma x
