Saying “no”

The need to tighten boundaries and voice our “no” has been coming up with today’s full moon; I hope this may help those of you navigating this shift and reclamation of self and power.

It can be difficult for us to say our “no” and we might often find ourselves saying “yes” instead. This can lead to us feeling increasingly frustrated with ourselves for doing things that we really don’t want to do, or being with people who exhaust us and make us feel down about ourselves.

Often we have to overcome whatever insecurity is getting in the way of us honouring our truth, whether it be our lack of self-worth, our fear of upsetting people (remember we are not responsible for other people’s experience of life, or their own patterning and programming), our fear of actually putting ourselves first and being accused of being selfish (brilliant – the more you are accused of being selfish, the more you know you are on the right path to your soul’s evolution), or because it has become habitual to just do what is expected of us without even considering if it is aligned with our truth.

At some point we have to break free and recognise - and honour - our true feelings; being authentic and valuing our personal freedom (this in a world that values compliance over authenticity, just look at our education system, let alone the slavery of the workplace).

It is not selfish putting our wants and needs first. We were not put on this planet to martyr ourselves to others, or to give ourself away; our wants and needs are as valid and worthy as anyone else’s and unless we honour these, people will always try to manipulate and control us to fit their own agenda.

We do not need to burn ourselves to keep others warm!

I have done this a lot in my life. I wrote about it in From Darkness Comes Light, how I was incapable of saying “no” for much of my earlier life. This found me in situations that I loathed and fed anxiety, such as playing softball so as not to let the team down, or going to parties where I had to get drunk just to feel I fitted in, or getting myself into all sorts of romantic scrapes just because I didn’t know how to say “no”.

But it was more than that; I frequently let people control and manipulate me, simply because I didn’t know about boundaries or about my own needs and wants. For so much of my life I moulded myself to fit in and do what was expected/asked of me, not realising that I was different. I took a career path I hated, simply because of what others thought would be best for me, I ate food that others insisted was good for me even though I didn’t like it, I had medical procedures which I regretted, because doctors dictated that they knew what was best for me.

All of this giving myself away, all of this inability to say “no”, all of this lack of sovereignty and autonomy on my life, let alone my body, almost killed me. I was being made into someone I am not and I thought there was something wrong with the person I truly was. 

I realise now the craziness of this, how we have one precious live and how much we have to fight to live it the way we want to live it; in alignment with our truth and who we are, and what we are here to experience/be/enjoy here on planet earth.

It took me an awfully long time to understand my needs and wants and to cultivate the strength and courage to put better boundaries in place and actually voice “no”, give it sound, so that others couldn’t so easily control or manipulate me. It is a journey in itself, bringing up all sorts of patterns and relationship dynamics and even now it is a work in progress because there are always deeper layers.

At the end of the day it comes down to self-worth and loving and knowing oneself enough to know that certain people, certain environments, certain events are not going to nourish and sustain us - they simply don’t fill us up.

We only have a certain amount of energy and we need energy to evolve and thrive. When we put it in this context, we start to understand and appreciate the reason it is important not to squander our energy on people, activities and situations which exhaust and drain us – this can lead to a loss of wellbeing and, ultimately, dis-ease.

Every time we say “yes” when we mean to say “no”, every time we give some part of ourselves away, or our time and energy, when we don’t want to be doing so, we pay the price energetically – we become drained.

We have to be so careful not to find ourselves entangled in a web of obligations, constantly saying “yes” to requests, which do not align to our true desires or priorities.

We also have to be conscious of the layers of societal expectations and internalised guilt that can get in the way of us reclaiming our power and our right to autonomy.

So in many ways learning to say “no” is  not just a skill, but an act of self-preservation and empowerment, of recognising that freedom isn’t a privilege but a responsibility we owe yourselves – a true act of self-care that comes when we establish healthy boundaries.

It’s around discernment really – and viewing this as an art – of knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. It is in this way that we create a path towards greater authenticity, intentionality and freedom.

Why do we always say “yes”?

There are many reasons and this list is not exhaustive, but might include:

Fear of conflict – the thought of engaging in disagreement can trigger anxiety, so we may prioritise peace keeping over honouring our wants and needs. Essentially we take a path of least resistance, sacrificing our authenticity in the process.

Guilt – this is woven into the fabric of societal conditioning, we convince ourselves that saying no to others equates to letting others down or being inadequate. It’s the weight of expectations and the burden of perceived obligations that coerce us into compliance. It is such a yucky energy and we need to do all we can to rid guilt from our energy field, as it has a very low vibration and leads to all sorts of problems in our throat especially (we swallow it down).

Shame – stemming from feelings of unworthiness, shame often silently dictates our choices, nudging us towards agreement, even when it goes against our true desires. We fear judgement and rejection, internalising the notion that asserting our boundaries will lead to abandonment. Instead, we abandon ourself. And really when we delve deeper we realise it is all just story anyway – have we ever truly been rejected/abandoned, or did it just feel like this, and can we change the story? As adults now, our priority is to stop rejecting/abandoning ourselves. Like guilt, shame has a low vibration but often sticks itself in our sacral chakra where it negatively impacts our ability to craft the life of our dreams, preventing our passion and deeper respect for self.

Lack of boundaries – as referenced above, without clear boundaries, we open the floodgates to incessant demands and expectations, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation. Our “yes” then becomes a habit that eats away at our self-respect and autonomy. Putting in boundaries is not easy as people fight back, more below, but absolutely worth the momentary discomfort for a life time of freedom.

Social pressure – society’s relentless emphasis on productivity and people pleasing, amplifies our emphasis on saying “yes”, regardless of our true desire. Social comparison can cause us to fear being labelled as lazy or uncooperative, succumbing to the pressure to conform to unrealistic standards of being available and agreeable. No more! There is no need to people-please, it is a habit and a pattern and we can free ourselves from it, we just have to catch ourselves and change it.

Low self-esteem – when we have a low sense of self-worth, we often seek external validation by being accommodating and meeting the needs of others above our own. Saying “yes” becomes an exercise in gaining approval to confirm our worthiness, even at the expense of our well-being. If this feels familiar then it really is time to take back our power. We are all a bright shining light, let’s recognise this and stop rejecting our humanness.

How to recognise when to say “yes”

This is a most definitely a skill, which requires us becoming increasingly discerning between genuine alignment with our values versus obligations driven by external pressure, expectation or internalised guilt. Discernment is key on the spiritual path.

Our focus might therefore be on cultivating self-awareness by regularly checking in with ourselves before committing to any request or demand. We can do this by paying attention to any reactions such as feelings of resentment, exhaustion or discomfort – go into the body, what is the body saying, did the heart or head drop, was there a sudden feeling of weight. All of these serve as valuable indicators that saying “yes” may not be in alignment with our authentic desires or priorities.

Learning to trust our intuition can be instrumental in navigating the balance between honouring our boundaries and maintaining harmonious relationships. We need to reconnect with our intuition and silence the external voices. We were not taught to connect with our intuition and it can take time to hear it. This is where Reiki is so helpful as it massively connects us to our intuitive capacity, so too dowsing.

Becoming increasingly sensitive to internal signs and markers, subtle cues can help, such as hesitations, doubts etc., which can provide invaluable insight into whether a particular request resonates with our true needs and aspirations.

Tips for learning to say “no”

Set clear boundaries – clearly defining one’s boundaries and effectively communicating these can prevent resentment or burnout.

Practice saying “no” – regularly practising saying “no” can help us build confidence and familiarity with this skill, so that it is easier to implement the more familiar we become with it.

Prioritise self-care – the ultimate self-care is setting healthy boundaries, and yoga, Reiki, meditation, breathing exercises, Yoga Nidra, can all help to cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth, making it easier to say “no” when needed.

Practice assertiveness – clear communication can be very helpful in expressing needs and boundaries assertively without aggression, passivity or passive aggressiveness.

Using “I” statements – using “I” such as “I need”, “I feel”, can help one assert boundaries without assigning blame or provoking defensiveness in others.

Taking time to respond – Instead of immediately agreeing to a request, taking time to consider the implications and assessing personal capacity can prevent impulsive commitments and help ensure decisions align with priorities/wants/needs.

Tolerating discomfort – accepting that saying “no” may initially feel uncomfortable but ultimately extends our tolerance for stress and discomfort, helping us overcome feelings of guilt or anxiety, associated with setting boundaries.

Practising self-compassion – cultivating self-compassion and recognising that saying “no” is an act of self-care, not selfishness, can help us navigate feelings of guilt or unworthiness.

Seeking support – seeking guidance and support from trusted friends and family members can help to provide encouragement and validation as we work to assert our boundaries.

How can we decline politely?

Here are some suggestions which may or may not be helpful:

“Thank you for thinking of me/inviting me, but I am unable to commit to this right now”.

“I appreciate your offer, but maybe xxxx has more capacity at the moment”

“I have decided to prioritise my wellbeing and need to decline this opportunity”

“I need some time to think, I’ll get back to you later”

“That’s not going to work for me, instead perhaps we can do xxxx?”

“I appreciate the invite but I’m feeling overwhelmed/exhausted/run-down/in need of time on my own/need to prioritise my existing commitments, so maybe another time”.

Last note

Please note that saying “no” can disrupt established patterns and expectations and can cause some discomfort. It is my experience that whenever we prioritise ourselves and start putting healthy boundaries in place, this can be confronting for others who feel the energetic shift – they are no longer able to ‘eat’ our energy and they will often come back harder, throwing all sorts of tactics/manipulation strategies our way to win us back over, they may accuse us of being selfish, withdraw love or try and make us feel guilty, for example.

The key is to stand our ground. People fear change and how it might impact them and us taking our power back is often challenging for the other people in our lives as this will change the dynamics of our relationships.

It is important to distinguish the difference between healthy resistance from individuals who are willing to grow with us, and toxic behaviour from those who are trying to control us or manipulate a situation.

Open communication is key, so too being true to ourselves and honouring our wants and needs, and our boundaries, especially around our wellness and need for space. Remember we need space to evolve, if we don’t have this we can end up exhausted, confused and stuck.

It really is worth doing the work to be able to voice our “no”.  We might find that a lot of our stress dissipates and the tension we hold in our jaw, neck and sacrum eases, we might find we have more energy and more space to truly live our life for us – putting our wants and needs first. In this way others benefit because we are no longer so exhausted, resentful, frustrated, withdrawn and/or angry and we can also show others that there is another way, especially our children, after all, monkey sees, monkey does.

Happy full moon!

Love Emma x