We have just enjoyed a fabulous weekend in London, Elijah's first trip to the capital with E, me, Mum and Dad. It was while we were navigating security in Guernsey airport on Friday morning that it suddenly dawned on me - the realisation then - that travelling was never going to be the same again, in fact life was never going to be the same again.
Not that I hadn't already realised this before of course, but travelling with a small baby while severely sleep deprived is not, perhaps, as much of a joyous experience as it may once have been. And with that the realisation that everything is indeed much harder work now these days!
Yes, Elijah is almost nine weeks old and the cumulative sleep deprivation has indeed kicked in so that I do indeed feel - as I was told I would do - as if I am jetlagged half of each day. It is indeed a challenge to try to think straight and with that the further realisation that perhaps I should give myself a break.
You see I have tried to continue life as I know it. Not because I don't want to embrace the change of new life in my life, but because that is the only way I know, but really I think a bit more resting should definitely be encouraged. So what if the washing falls back another day, so what is the house is not as clean as I would like it to be, so what if I don't manage to respond to emails in a timely manner, so what if we don't manage to get out for a walk each day.
But of course it always sounds easier than it is, this ability to let go of all the things that you have tried to keep together. Cleaning is a classic one. A definite OCD issue for me and one which gets worse when I feel myself losing control of things...but how ironic is this because we never have control of anything and really, talk about putting yourself under even more pressure when you are at your most pressured.
I have been reading about this recently - our samskaras, the grooves that we create in our habitual behaviour patterns and how there are trigger events that make them worse...and how we need to stand still with equanimity and indifference almost when we feel the trigger being pushed so that we don't make those grooves any deeper, and if anything we allow them to dissipate instead - by non-reacting then and staying present. It all comes back to awareness and being conscious of the decisions we make and the actions we take, and catching ourselves before we begin each process. Cleaning is definitely one I am working my way through!!
The initial travel realisation aside, our trip to London was fantastic, helped hugely by the fact my parents were on hand to help out with Elijah! In fact my wonderful Mum looked after Elijah all on her own on Saturday afternoon so that Dad could go and watch Spurs play with his friend who has a season ticket, E could go walking around London looking for Banksy art and I could get in a class up at TriYoga in Primrose Hill.
It was really so lovely simply to sit on the tube on my own reading my book without being distracted by crying babies or me falling asleep mid sentence. Not to say I was really with it, and the class was not quite as Anusara-inspired flowing as I would have liked it, but it was calming, grounding and stabilising and I felt much better for it.
And in actual fact there was one word that stood out for me from the practice and that was "patience" and it is funny as I had been telling myself over and over to be patient when standing in the queue to pay for the class, and it has been on my mind that very morning, that one of the many things Elijah is teaching me - or trying to teach me - is the ability to be patient. Another work in progress!!
Motherhood is indeed wonderful, each new development, the smallest of smiles, the gurgling, the cuteness of it all and it is indeed the most challenging thing I have ever tried to do, or indeed to be. But there really is so much I can learn from Elijah, I know that, and I remind myself also that "this too will pass" when he wakes for the fourth time in the night needing feeding and a nappy change. For everything does indeed come to pass. And with that realisation one should therefore try and enjoy every moment.
On that note, I am off to enjoy the sunshine as that too shall pass!
With love and gratitude xx