A few of us stayed behind after class one Thursday recently to discuss the joys, or not, of the dreaded morning sickness and one lady said to me that she just awoke one morning in her second trimester and just felt amazing, no sickness and tons of energy, as if she could do anything.  Well I have been taking much strength from her comments and waiting for that day to arrive, the much talked about honeymoon period!
I think we are almost there.  I was fortunate to enjoy a Reiki session on Friday (thank you Jo) and this seems to have helped enormously in shifting things a little, so that I feel almost human again, still tired, but the sickness has eased, hoorah!!  Had helped me to feel brighter too, not that I realised I wasn’t feeling bright, but Reiki certainly helps to balance the energy and leaves one feeling mentally, physically and spiritually cleaner and clearer somehow.  It is just such a wonderful energy and the baby is certainly enjoying his/her daily Reiki that I do throughout the day!!
I was able to do a full practice in the garden on Saturday too, now that was a joy, in the sunshine with the daisies adorning the lawn and the simple sounds of the many birds playing around in these lanes, it makes you feel so pleased to be alive, connected, grounded and part of the bigger whole.  Just to be able to move one’s body and breathe with awareness without feeling sick is a miracle too, so there really has been a shift, hoorah, and with the summer ahead it is all rather exciting.
We even managed to make the most of the sunshine and went over to Herm on Sunday.  How wonderful to finally get to sunbathe on the beach on my own, while E and his Mum went for a long walk around the Island.  I do so love Herm, it has its own special energy and indeed microclimate, so that you feel you are truly getting away from it all (despite the crowds of people!) and getting some much needed sun and Vitamin D in the process.  Can’t wait to camp over there next time.
 
A really lovely midwife visited at 12 weeks, just after we got back from Thailand.  Admittedly there was an awful lot of fear in a lot of the information presented to me, but at least one has a choice, and one is supported in home birthing over here too...inevitably there is a criteria to meet, but the  home birthing option is on the increase, so this can only be good for those who want to stay at home.
I admit it was all a little overwhelming back then, scans and tests and all sorts of things of things to consider, let alone one’s actual birthing options.  I have read extensively the last few weeks, Sarah Buckley, Ina May and Pam England, as well as speaking to some friends who have given birth in Guernsey at home and I feel a little more confident and comfortable in my own choices.  It really has been eye opening though, and I am amazed about the level of fear that exists in childbirth and indeed childbearing too.
I can’t help thinking how incredible it is that women have managed to give birth to so many babies over the years and populated the world as much as they have, given all the supposed medical risks that come with bearing and birthing of a child.  Personally I have never viewed birthing as a medical procedure, although I am only too aware that some women do require the intervention of the medical profession to ensure that their babies and indeed they survive the whole experience unscathed. 

I could waffle on here for some time about all I have learned and my opinion as things stand, but I have also learnt that pregnancy and birthing are a very subjective and personal experience that needs to sit comfortably with each lady, and while I am fully supportive of tapping into the spiritual experience of both, I appreciate that not everyone is on this earth feels the same way as me, we are all different and each here to live our lives in our own ways.  As long as we make informed, conscious decisions about the choices we are making for ourselves, our babies and our families, then that can only help to encourage more harmony in the world.
And this leads me on to a couple of conversations I have had this week with a few different friends that have all, essentially, revolved around the subject of loving oneself and the manner in which this lack of love for oneself plays such a huge role in our experience of life.
 
It is really rather common, I have some experience having spent much of my twenties and my early thirties not liking myself.  It was like having a parrot on each shoulder, the good one and the bad one, more often than not you don’t get to hear the good one for the bad one is so loud and vocal in telling you how stupid, ugly, fat, waste of space, useless person etc that you are.    Like you are never good enough, not good enough for that job, for that boyfriend, for that house, for that way of living, on and on and on and on.  It is exhausting, truly exhausting.
It makes me almost laugh now really, to think that that bad voice, the dark side of the ego, can have such a control.  It manifests in all sorts of ways, eating disorders, not extreme necessarily but enough to spend time, day in day out, obsessing about food and how you feel about yourself, giving yourself away too easily to others, beating yourself up constantly, compulsive disorders, living lives that are not true to you or indeed your nature, killing yourself softly inside.
It is a tricky place to be, this place where the dark side has taken root, so that you cannot hear the soft whisperings of your heart, your soul then, the angels that are trying to pull you out and show you the light.  Sometimes the pain is so deep that you just cannot let it go.  It defines you.  You become your pain.  You can numb it of course, eat too much, drink too much alcohol, smoke, take drugs – legal and illegal, work too hard, all sorts of addictions but it is still there, deep down, eating away at you inside.
You can see it in people, those who have lost their way, some more than others, there is a darkness, a blackness, a lot of black clothes actually, hiding away, insignificant, no joy to share, no colour in the world, the world has failed you somehow, God, the angels, the Universe, what a load of rubbish all that is.  Sunken hearts, rounded shoulders, inability to maintain eye contact, heavy energy, anxiety, depression, negativity, scattered thinking, restlessness, tiredness, constant illness on and on.
There is a separation between body and mind, here is my body, here is mind, here is the world, all; separate from one another, alone, drifting, somewhere.  No connection.  I have been there, to some dark places where the voice has been strong. And now, I wonder how it can be that we can experience such disconnectedness.  It is no surprise when we are there that we almost give up on life, living, some do actually, give up, give in.


Asked how one finds their way back, well it is difficult to say, because we are all so different and what works for me may not work for others.  Our experiences that have created the voice inside are different too, what we are dealing with is personal in its story, but then perhaps the story isn’t important, for often we can get stuck there, in that story, with all its blame and anger and frustration and resentment, which doesn’t help anyone to move forward – it does us no favours to stay stuck in the past.
Yoga has helped enormously in my life – postures, breathing, meditation, mudras, chanting, Yoga Nidra, all sorts of techniques and practices.  By its very nature, it helps one to recognise and indeed experience the connection of mind and body,  the thwo are so interconnected that it seems strange to me to think of them being separate, as if you could separate them!.  Further, Yoga helps to lead us back to the heart of the matter, to our heart and to the heart of the world – our spirit then.  It seems to me that this is the bit we really forget, perhaps because we don’t understand it, or are fearful of it, our soul, its there, no dogma, why be scared?
As I healed so I heard the whisperings of my heart, my soul, with its wisdom and guidance, its knowingness.  As I healed so the colour returned to life, so I ditched the black and sought colour and light, so the world was full of beauty, of life, everything became clearer, brighter, connected and of course there was support, from the earth, from the Universe, from all the earth angels around us.  It really can be so magical, this world we live in.

Reiki helped me enormously too, the lovely universal energy of unconditional love, helping to heal the pains from the past, awakening the heart space, balancing the imbalances within, quietening the voice from the darkness of the solar plexus so that I could actually hear the heart again.  Others find reflexology, massage, crystal therapy, acupuncture, all sorts of holistic treatments.  Homeopathy and Ayurveda were hugely helpful to me too, not least for the opportunity to talk and hear the words you are saying said back to you but also for the remedies and herbs that help to shift things energetically.
There are books, Louise Hay, Doreen Virtus, Brandon Bays, Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama, Pemba Chrodron, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Eckhart Tolle and on and on.  Buy some rose quartz and amethyst, bring them into your environment, get out in nature, sit quietly, hear the birds, watch the sea breaking onto the shore, get your feet in water and allow them to sink into the earth, watch the sun set and rise the following morning, speak to trusted friends and family.
Of course you need to want to help yourself first.  You need to want to get out of that place where we blame others for what is not working in our lives and within ourselves.  We need to take responsibility for the self and for our own healing.  We need to forgive – “Let go of anger and resentment, and feel yourself healed.  You don’t need to forgive the action, just the person – so that you can be at peace” (Doreen Virtue).
You will find that asking for help is sometimes all it takes, an acceptance then.  And once you have asked for help – to the Universe, to the space you are sitting in – be open to receiving it.  You will notice help immediately, books may literally jump out at you, earth angels will present themselves, look out for coincidences (there is no such thing), signs, do not ignore things that happen three times, notice the white feathers and the robins, which will start appearing for these are all guides, helping you to realise that you are not alone, that you are supported, you are on the path.

Perhaps we need to learn to love and accept the self as it is, all over again, unconditionally.  They say, how is it possible to ever love others if we have not yet learned to love the self?  Perhaps better to say, how can we love and accept others unconditionally until we have learned to love and accept ourselves unconditionally first.  It is not easy, that dark voice does not drop away over night, but slowly, slowly, it dims, and the light grows brighter instead and eventually the light overshadows the darkness and you catch yourself before the darkness has a chance to ever take root again.
There is this beautiful angel card, one of Doreen Virtue’s that reads;
“Sometimes it seems that our thoughts choose us, but this is never the case.  We always choose our thoughts – every moment.  Our thoughts always have an effect, and there are no neutral thoughts.  One-half second before you hold a thought, you decide to hold it.  So, with practice, you can learn to monitor and alter your thoughts.  This is the equivalent of putting your hands on the steering wheel of your life.  You may believe that your concentration abilities are impaired, yet the infallible mind of God is within your own mind.  You can experience remarkable feats of concentration by affirming “I am now able to focus my mind at will.  I hold only loving thoughts, and my angels act as my gatekeepers in establishing a steady stream of thoughts of love”.
There is so much more I could say, about planting seeds and samskara and healing those deep grooves, the habitual thinking and behaviour patterns, how essentially one does need to transform, but really it is simple, you must try and listen to the heart, allow it to guide you to people, places, treatments, earth angels, to those who can help you back on the path and into the light again and you must not buy into negative thinking, or give up when the going gets tough.
For it will get tough, there will be obstacles and red herrings, but they are there to make you stronger, to help to strengthen then the connection you have to the self, to the world, to the Universe as a whole.  And you will be supported, you only have to ask for help and be willing to accept it when it presents itself to you.  You are worthy, you do deserve to feel wonderful, happy, whole, healed, to enjoy your life and be present within it.
I shall leave you with this wonderful poem by Marianne Williamson,
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


Enjoy the sunshine and let the spirit shine! xxx

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