I am pregnant. Three simple words I have longed to be able to say for so very long now. I almost struggle to believe it is happening, finally, to us, E and I!
And the most ironic thing is that until that point of deciding you are going to go for it, you have spent all those years trying not to go for it. Well at least the potential father of your children has spent all those years making sure that there is absolutely no risk of any babies appearing without his consent. So successfully it seems that reversing that process can indeed be quite challenging!
And as for the spiritual and indeed conscious conception, well that’s another matter altogether. I had visions of following the Ayurvedic way of doing things, a bit of a ritual really, taking a lovely bath together with candles and aromatherapy oil, rose petals, soft light, that sort of thing, conscious conception, inviting a beautiful soul in.
Of course the reality is far removed from that vision (it is still there though, you never know!), what with ovulation sticks and perceived peak times, unromantically dragging your partner to bed, insisting that over the course of the next 24 hours we have to do this lots, if not constantly. What threw me was his reaction to this. I figured it was every man’s dream, you know, your partner saying fill your boots, here I am, go for it.
But alas not and I know that I am not alone, talking to friends they all shared a similar experience. It must be the pressure or something that makes the whole “perfect timing” moment more of a chore than a life changing, earth shattering spiritual experience. In fact the whole thing was rubbish and the more the months ticked by without any success, the more the whole thing became one big dreaded event!
To help do my bit to help things along, I started seeing my Ayurvedic doctor in Brighton again. She is a wonderfully wise and spiritual Sri Lankan lady who specialises in fertility and has quite a following of clients in the UK. I took some disgusting tasting herbs for a few months and strictly followed my Ayurvedic diet to try and create the perfect inner conditions for conception to take place. I supported all this with regular Reiki, reflexology and massage from lovely friends who are local therapists.
I guess it all depends on your perspective, but if you are a tiny bit spiritual then you may appreciate the wisdom of the ancient Tibetan Buddhist and Ayurvedic texts that positively encourage both man and women to be in a good shape spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, the women establishing a regular menstrual cycle and be well connected to the vitality in her body. This means looking intimately at ourselves and at our rubbish and doing what we can to heal past pains and hurts, essentially ridding ourselves of that extra baggage, before we impart some of it on to the new life we are bringing into the world.
But life has a habit of throwing obstacles along the spiritual path and here was one for us. While the Ayurvedic herbs may have helped with healing past wounds, no amount of herbs was going to help us conceive without a little bit of extra help from the medical world on which I have turned my back so many times over the years. So here was my first and indeed second lesson too, ah yes, accepting that sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and being open to receiving help from the medical world.
You have to laugh. All these experiences are blessings in disguise. It may not feel like it at the time and I did my fair share of crying and moping around as I struggled to accept the reality of life at that time. But it strengthened my faith. I didn’t doubt that we would one day have children, but I just hadn’t figured that we would have to overcome so many obstacles in the way.
I spent a lot of time on my own on my Yoga mat where I established a committed daily meditation practice, which helped to strengthen my mind in ways I had not experienced previously. I practiced a lot of Yoga Nidra to the beautiful sound of an Australian friend’s voice that helped enormously in keeping the faith high. So too my asana practice, which took on a renewed dynamic direction, which helped me to deal more calmly with the challenges life was presenting.
I took myself off on a few Yoga retreats, which provided a wonderful opportunity to immerse myself in the Yoga energy and enjoy some much needed time to myself. I received regular acupuncture with the wonderful Andre Sidner, for whom I shall be eternally grateful – it made such a difference. Now I look back it was all preparation really. It took time. Another lesson presented - patience, oh how I have had to learn this one over the last few years. It is a big one, especially in this day and age of instant gratification.
So you see it wasn’t all glum. In fact I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was our personal journey, E and I. It has deepened our relationship with ourselves, each other, our family and our closest friends. Priorities have changed, although I still don’t get to play “all that airy fairy” music in the car when we are together, and E doesn’t entirely buy into that whole “but it will positively affect the bean growing in my tummy” thing. But we laugh.
We also appreciate that we are not alone, far from it in fact. Interestingly when you do start to talk about the challenges you have experienced, you find that other couples have gone through it themselves, some having to overcome far more challenges than we have done. I have noticed that there is sadly a lot of stigma attached to fertility issues that people just don’t know what to say, which is a shame, because sometimes talking to others helps enormously in fuelling the positive energy.
And here we are, hoorah, finally on our way to realising our dream. It may not have been all rose petals and essential oils, but ironically (how the Universe laughs) the conception of our little bean was even more conscious than I could ever have imagined - a miracle no less.
Mind blowing too that a combination of my love and E’s loves has created new life, that we have invited in a soul and that soul have chosen us. I can feel the presence growing in my tummy and every day I awake and feel grateful to have this little bean inside me, a part of us both. And while the sickness is indeed challenging, well I wouldn’t have it any other way. But more of that later.
With much gratitude to all you wonderful souls who have helped in so many beautiful ways.