Well thankfully with every down there is an up...and I certainly hit rock bottom last Thursday and have been finding the light ever since.
Depression fascinates me. It is a condition (or illness as my doctor would say) that I have experienced on and off since my teenage years. It is the reason I initially started practising Yoga and Reiki, and developed an interest in nutrition and the holistic approach to life - so in many respects I feel grateful for its darkness because through the darkness, it has also helped to create so much light in my life.
Everyone is different and every case of depression is subjective, I can only talk about it from my own personal experience. But for me, at least on the spiritual level, it is all about the need to let go. You see, as I see it, the ego - or personality then - likes to retain the status quo, it likes to know who it is and what it is doing based on past experiences, it likes to box and identify itself, it creates redundant behaviour patterns and will resist any chance for transformation and essentially, change. In fact it is the part of us that has a huge fear of change.
Trouble is, the soul wants us to transform ourselves, or at least to come back to ourselves, our true selves, beyond the labelling, the history and identity of the ego. And when it is unable to shine its light, well then the darkness falls. It is only by letting go of the past, of surrendering and going with the flow, that the light can return, as we literally let go of the identity we have created for ourselves, so that the "new" can move in.
I am not sure whether any of that makes any sense, but essentially, I know, now, that the depression is a grieving, it is like the death of the old, and a huge message to me that it is time to move on and the sooner we surrender to it, the quicker it eases. Not that surrendering is ever easy, but once we have stopped fighting and quietened the inner dialogue, and asked for help (this is sometimes crucial) then we are over the worst. It is all about healing the mind, I truly feel - right now- that everything originates in the mind.
Needless to say, as often happens - if only we could trust a little more - the Universe provided an opportunity for me to get out of my mind at the Secret Garden Party in Cambridgshire. Based on the concept of "Fact or Fiction" we were told to leave our left brains (logic) at home, go with the flow and let go...hoorah!! At the time none of it was easy, but looking back it was all necessary, to leave behind the norm, and to encourage us to experinece new ways of being, so that we were taken outside of the controlling nature of our minds (for there was no chance for control!).
Apparently numbers have doubled in the year and yet there didn't seem to be enough facilities to cope with everyone so it felt like we spent the whole weekend queueing. Queuing ages for smelly toilets so that in the end I gave up and peed behind bushes instead (much better for feeling that connection with nature!), queueing ages for drinks at the bar so I ended up drinking herbal tea from vans, a complete lack of showers so that the first day Ewan, Nige and I drove to the nearest leisure centre for a shower, and the rest of the time we stripped off in the field and washed ourselves under the cold water tap...a bit like being back in Nepal!
The biggest problem was losing people in the crowds, it just happened so easily and Ewan spent much of the weekend trying to shepherd everyone, bless him. I was more than happy to go with the flow, the holistic area was not as available as I had expected, the massages etc got booked up really quickly, and the Yoga was held at times which didn't work for me. My mobile telephone wouldn't work, which was a blessing, and of course no Internet or TV, so a lovely opportunity - a little bit like being in the mountains in Nepal - to totally let go of any concerns for anything outside of that moment.
It was all good fun, I laughed lots, I slept well, I rested, I read, I drank lots of water and ate lots of fruit, I connected with nature, I walked for miles and danced a lot and I let go, the angels were right, there was a need for flexibility...
So now a bit of clarity has returned, yes indeed time for change. But not to be forced, I feel that this is another lesson I am learning, change is happening, every day in so many ways, and change does not need to be huge, like all of a sudden leaving your job, selling you house and sailing off into the distance, it is more to do with the mind, changing the mind, letting go of the voice that tells us how we should be living our lives and berates us if we are not living that particular way...and by changing the mind, then so our life will change, for there are reflections everywhere.